Mother Unexpected

Can you tell that I was pregnant?

Hold the phone. You heard me right. I was a pregnant bride. Wasn’t really planned that way, honestly, it was barely planned at all. I wasn’t prepared for the shit storm that it caused either. It’s funny how everyone else seems to have a say in something so personal.

There were a lot of things going on in our life. We found out we were pregnant with K-Kitten in February, we were looking for a home to buy for almost a year and being pregnant kicked that hunt up a notch. We had just found a nice little home on a half acre of land and put in an offer. After fighting back and forth offer after offer for another home we seen this one and decided it was worth a try. They were asking 65k which was outside of our budget, but we decided all they could do was tell us no. We offered 60k if they would put 3% toward our closing. They accepted.

Just after we found out they accepted our offer we got a call that my Mammy (my paternal grandmother) was on her way to the hospital. To make a long and agonizing story short, she had suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and she never got to see her great-grandbaby. The day of her funeral… we signed on our house.

The next day Father Unexpected and I were sitting in my Mammy’s house and looking through her old pictures and things with my parents when we started talking about our plans to get married. We had been together for 8 years and it never really came up in conversation, mostly because it didn’t really make much difference to me if we had a piece of paper or not. FU suggested that we get married. I was completely opposed to the idea at first. Not only did I not want to get married only “because I was pregnant”, but I didn’t want to get married pregnant. Especially 7 months pregnant, I felt ugly and not at all bride material.

The Kiss

Finally we decided that we would go ahead with it. All I wanted was pictures and a dress. My mother made my dress for me just like I always envisioned that she would (although I had to rethink the style). In total we spent two weeks and $600 on our entire wedding. We had a very small ceremony at our state park where we grew up and an open reception/pot-luck at my mom’s home after. Our wedding ceremony lasted all of 10 minutes and I think that only one of us said vows. We didn’t record it, as this was something that apart from photos we wanted to remember ourselves.

I remember when we were planning everything that I got to where I didn’t even want to tell anyone that I was getting married, because of the conclusions everyone went immediately to. I’ve never had more people ask me if “I was sure” that I was doing the right thing. Just because I was pregnant didn’t mean that I didn’t love him the last eight years of my life and that it made getting married any different. We just faced the facts that paternity paperwork doesn’t exist when you’re married, and with a dependent there was no tax problems as a married couple that we would have been faced with had we been married without a child.

Now can you tell?

Why didn’t you wait? That’s probably the biggest question I get asked. I didn’t wait, because we didn’t want to. We didn’t want the added stress of having a new baby in the house and trying to plan something so monumental. We wanted to do something just for us before the baby arrived, we wanted to have this moment after so much heartache, if only to reconfirm our already unwavering love for each other.

Would you do it again if you could do it over? Yes, in a heartbeat. K-Kitten got to be a very big part of my special day. We danced with our unborn daughter at our wedding…. how much better does it get?

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My dedication to NaBloPoMo sucked this weekend. I just don’t do responsibility well on my few days that I have so few. I’m going to try to figure out a way to write the posts and schedule them for next weekend. Sorry, I’m pushing myself to do better

Already a gamer at heart.

It’s been hotly debated for… well, since I started playing video games at the tender age of 3, about the effect on video games and television on children. It’s one of those things that people tend to either be on one side, the other, or straddling the middle. You either feel that no television/video games should be seen by children, that it’s perfectly fine for children, or that there might be some things that can wait a while. I’m firmly on the fence about the content debate, but weather I would or wouldn’t allow K-Kitten to watch or play video games? I fall square on my ass in the YES camp.

When we are talking about content, K-Kitten will be much older before actively playing  a zombie game, not necessarily for the gore or violence, but mostly due to the fear factor. I can remember watching my dad play Doom when I was little. I LOVED doing anything with my dad, I was a daddy’s girl after all, even if it scared the be-jeebuz out of me. The gore never bothered me, the guns and shooting never bothered me, it was the monsters! To this day, those monsters still creep me out. Let me guess the list of baddies that will attack our young when we let them play video games.

Violent video games make children more violent adults. I can agree that there may be some violent play in your house, I can remember playing “Mortal Combat” on the trampoline with my cousins, but I think there’s a big difference between conscious play/roughhousing and actual violence. I never remember anyone being hurt playing our game on the trampoline or playing G.I. Joe using the culvert as the “trenches”. Looking at the statistics juvenile violent crime rates have been going down since 1993. Children are much more aware of the world around them than we might think, trying to protect them from ever seeing violence may leave them unprepared for the real world. Unfortunately, our world is filled with violence and hate.

Video games aren’t teaching our children anything worthwhile. Games aren’t the same as they were when the only place you could find them was the arcade. To play most video games now, even simple made-for-kid games, it requires a wide skill set and knowledge. We’re not talking about just hand-eye, but all forms of thinking as defined in Bloom’s Taxonomy. You have to memorize special key sets or combinations, work through elaborate puzzles and riddles, move quickly and deliberately, re-evaluate and create strategy, and apply personal sets of skills to complete tasks. Doesn’t sound like the brain will be gathering any dust to me.

Our kids will become social hermits and never leave the house again…. worse yet, they’ll never move out of MY house! Lets see, I can see how some children honestly would stay locked up in their room playing video games for the rest of their life. I could have probably done it, but I personally see a few fatal flaws. I didn’t have anyone that would cater to a self-destructive lifestyle, and life really wasn’t that boring. As a matter of fact, even when I was playing video games, most of them were Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGs) where I made some life-long friends, I think that counts as “social”. Some introverts may even call the interactions they have in their online worlds are more satisfying than face-to-face interactions, the relationships that can be formed can be just as integrated and intimate. There’s a real danger of pathological gaming, but in a study of 3,000, 90% of them did not show signs of pathological gaming or addiction.

Too many children are uninterested in technology, especially girls. I work as a computer network technician and I face that fact every day. I’m working in a male dominated field and it doesn’t appear to be changing fast. I want K-Kitten to grow up exposed to technology, to the fun and entertainment it can provide, to the intricacies and work it can perform. I want to teach her the difference between simulated violence and the horrors of real violence. I want to be close as she embarks on her own moral and personal building journeys. It is our job to teach, guide, and protect, but it’s not our job to shield them from all of life’s horrors and disappointments. Our goals as parents are to raise well-adjusted, independent, strong adults.

Since K-Kitten is a girl, I think it is especially important to show her the world from a different perspective (I’m not talking pink and frilly here people). I’ve worked my whole life proving myself, in my field of work, in my competence, and in my skill with everything from cars to writing. If playing video games is something she likes to do, we’re going to do it with her. Besides, research suggests that playing age-appropriate video games with daughters can make them happier, more connected, less aggressive, and less depressed.

Yup, we totally did Star Wars for Halloween.

Much like a soccer mom, but without the minivan and the mother-of-the year award. With all the concerns over all the not-so-nice-stuff that they say video games cause, people act like you’re a horrible mom for playing one of those violence inducing, fat-making, video things. Really, I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t take my kid with me to Mardi Gras and bar hop, but I just don’t see doing an independent activity from your child as all that harmful.

Father Unexpected and I have a large gaming background. We both played MMORPGs (like Everquest and World of Warcraft) heavily, and enjoyed PC gaming together for several of the early years of our relationship. At some points online interaction was the only means of communication as we were both working extensively (and he was able to utilize the internet while at his job) and it was more personal and immediate than e-mail. I had never heard of texting and cell phones were too expensive. FU didn’t even have one at the time.

When we first moved in together we bought a Playstation 2. I was a big fan of Kingdom Hearts at the time and played it through. FU played it some, but we never even bothered to buy a second controller to play together. We still had enough resources to play PC games together in the same house though. At one point when I was in college, I can remember playing Everquest for 8 to 12 hours a day, working my part-time job, going to class, then playing some more and sleeping here and there when I felt like it.

I’m sure a lot of people would say that I had an obsession, that it was unhealthy, maybe even call it an addiction. The fact of the matter is, I really liked the game. I was a poor, college student that would rather pay 15 dollars a month playing a video game than 10 dollars a day running the streets like my other peers at the time. I was younger, a little stupid, and had the time to kill. I got older, bills started costing more, gaming happened less. Eventually, I stopped playing because it cost too much and I just didn’t have the time to kill that I used to. Addicted? I think not.

I think it’s generally accepted in society that fathers will play video games. I think it’s viewed as a man’s “thing”, sitting on the couch playing video games while the wife cooks. Did you know that women gamers are trying to tip the scales? There are now more women playing pc/web based games than men. In my house, FU is more likely to be cooking dinner while I play the 360, I’m a horrible cook. But because I’m a mother, a working mother, that plays video games (that don’t exist on facebook) I’m more likely to be shamed and frowned at. I guess I’m supposed to be selflessly doing laundry, while playing patty-cake, while cooking, while vacuuming, and at the same time changing a diaper to be a “good mom”. Oh, how I hate the “good mom” card. The fact that I play video games alone is enough to be forever marked with the “bad mom” tag, let alone the fact that I play video games while K-Kitten is home and playing just fine by herself for a while.

Now, on the other side of this coin. I don’t play video games from the time I get home to the time I go to bed. We have much cooler things to do, like go outside and play tag while there’s not snow on the ground. Do I have better things to do besides play video games? Actually yes, I should be doing things like laundry and dishes, but really… I’m never going to be caught up on either of those things, I’ve faced the fact that I’m a horrible housewife and have come to terms with it. Father Unexpected may come to terms with it in the next 16 years or so. In light of this though, I actually had someone say that I shouldn’t be playing video games because my daughter “needs me” and they’d suck me into a black hole or something. Lady, there is no black hole, I know I tried to find it after entirely too much alcohol in college… and my daughter needs to not grow up like you. While she pretend cooks me a big meal, I’ll play my video game, then have imaginary cookies thanks.

Will K-Kitten be playing video games when she gets a little older? Hell yes! We will be playing together I’m sure. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

There is nothing wrong with a parent doing something that they liked to do before they were a parent. I’ve not neglected my daughter by not giving her my undivided attention for 30 minutes out of any given day. I get to bond with my husband over something we both enjoy. I get the satisfaction of doing something completely non-work (outside or inside the home) related for a little while.

And getting to dance around the living room, laughing, pointing, screaming “BOO YA! HEADSHOT!!” after sniping FU from across the map?

EPIC

No, I’m not talking about those extra five pounds that you wake up with the day after Thanksgiving. I’m talking about those little things that you pick up over your life, habits, mannerisms, that you keep going long after the first time. Those things that you’re not exactly sure why you keep doing them, but you do.

I remember in High School there was this thing that kids did. Eat their pizza with ranch dressing. It was disgusting. Well, I thought it was disgusting, and refused to try it for a very long time. Then it became so popular that they would have an entire tub of ranch dressing out every time they served pizza in the lunch line. Regardless of if there was salad that day. I decided it wouldn’t kill me to try it. I don’t think it was amazing, or even all that great, but I still do it to this day. Every time I take my two year old out to Gatti’s…. there’s ranch dressing on my plate.

I have a lot of things that I can think of that I’ve kept doing over the years, but the ones that stand out the most are always food related. I guess I just like food. There are a lot of things that, thankfully, I’ve stopped doing (like saying “Dude” after every phrase).

Something I just did today that reminded me of this. Arby’s curly fries with cheddar cheese sauce. For years in high school every Saturday was a band competition (yes, I was totally a band geek) and we would stop at a little place that had three restaurants. A McDonald’s, an Arby’s, and a Burger King. I always chose Arby’s and I always had a large fry with two cups of cheddar cheese. Maybe I did that because it was just at $5 with a small drink and that’s all I had to spend on each of these trips, who knows. But I still do it. No ketchup for me, give me cheese!

One thing that started much earlier than high school is me playing with my hair when I’m tired. I can remember my mother playing with my hair when I had trouble falling asleep and even now when I’m tired I’ll subconsciously run my hands through my hair.

I really wonder how many of these little things that I’ve picked up over the years that has me so set in my ways are things that came from my parents? I wonder what kind of habits I’ll be “accidentally” giving to K-Kitten over the years. I wonder what new habits I’ll pick up or if I’ll ever stop with any of the ones that I’ve got now.

Do you have any habits or weird things that you started one day in the past and keep on doing? Inquiring minds want to know. Mine.

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I’ve decided to participate in NaBloPoMo – where you blog every day for a month. This is going to be insane, but I’ve got to get out of the habit of writing and then deciding because I don’t have anything to say that’s not been posted five-thousand times (or so I feel) that I shouldn’t keep the conversation going. Hang on for the ride. This is gonna get crazy…

I listened to a story yesterday about a young woman that gave birth at home (was unaware that she was pregnant) and was transported to a local hosptial because the baby was lethargic, they were shocked, and she had still not delieved the placenta. Emergency personnel arrived and the baby was warmed and given oxygen, they were transported to a local hospital.

Doesn’t sound like it has anything to do with breastfeeding does it? But it does. It has a lot to do with breastfeeding.

The hospital they were originally admitted to was a local hospital that had no obstetrics department and no pediatric department. They had lost their obstetrics department about a year previously due to budget concerns. Supposedly they were supposed to be transported via the “baby buggy”, a special pediatric ambulance from a larger city, to a larger facility. The transport did not happen.

Instead they discovered the baby’s sugar was low, so they send a security guard on a 30+ mile round trip to another hospital to obtain Similac glucose water while arranging for a local transport to that other hospital. The transport arrived to find that the mother had still not birthed the placenta and the baby was in a blanket with a space heater nearby (I wont even go into how horrible that is). The glucose water had still not arrived.

No one had recommended or suggested or had the brilliant idea of breastfeeding this infant. Until the EMS transfer crew arrived. EMS instructed this new, unexpected mother, on how to latch and she successfully breastfed the entire trip to the other hospital. Baby’s glucose was under control upon arrival. After EMS told the hospital nurses that the baby was stable and the glucose was under control and the child was still feeding, they immediately removed the child from mother and began running tests.

Now of course this is just a story I was told, of course I don’t have details, and it’s a matter of perspective. But I find that there is a very high likely-hood that this is what happened and believe that because of the rural area and the “we know what’s best mentality” of so many of the staff something as important as giving this mother the option and choice to breastfeed was overlooked or ignored. Are you asking why this bothers me?

1) This mother was being faced with the shock of just having a child, she had no choices, because she had no information available to her. Because these care providers did not suggest breastfeeding (thankfully someone finally did) they were stripping this mother of her right to choose how to feed her child. If you do not know there is an option, you have none.

2)This mother had not delivered her placenta and fundal massage was unproductive. Breastfeeding and nipple stimulation could have encouraged contractions and improved the chances of delivering the placenta more quickly.

3)A 30 minute wait to recover glucose levels was unnecessary. The mother was readily available and willing to breastfeed her child. She just did not know that she could. Breastmilk will raise glucose levels and keep them level longer, sugar water is nothing special. The glucose water had not arrived by the time she and baby were ready for transport anyway. That was an avoidable risk.

It doesn’t matter who you are, what happened, how it happened, or why it happened. It happened to this mother and she and her child deserved the information and the best research based care possible. I understand that this hospital no longer had an obstetrics department, but breastfeeding should be something that is learned by anyone that has any chance of coming into contact with a mother and child that could have a nursing relationship.

I say that this happened in rural America, because it did. I’m not saying that this doesn’t happen in larger cities, or that we’re backhills idiots, but the facts are, we are behind in technology, staffing, and available continuing education. We are at a disadvantage because of topology, distances, and populations. Rural America has a lot of “sticks” but we always pick up the short end.

This mother gave it a try after being given the information that she could, and unfortunately, she will probably be stripped from that opportunity at the next hospital due to the circumstances of her unassisted, unmonitored birth. Because of this baby’s unknown history and care, breastfeeding should be at the top of the list if the mother wants to give it a shot. When did we stop caring about the families and start paying more attention to convenience of the providers? Mothers need more support. Even one EMS worker for a 30 minute ride can make a difference. This mother breastfed her infant, because she wanted to, even if that will be the last time.

We're not paying for that.

I’m about to lose my group health insurance through my employer. The rates are going up 35% for a $6,000 deductible HSA plan. The company cannot afford to pay it, and we have dropped below the minimum number of employees that have it to keep the group rate. I’ve been having to look into getting an individual plan for myself and K-Kitten. My employer is trying to work out a plan to give us additional pay or incentive to be able to afford individual insurance, since they would no longer be paying for our benefit or putting $2,000 a year into our HSA funds.

Individual insurance has so far been significantly cheaper. The group plan was costing about $370 (my portion and the company portion) per month with a $6,000 deductible. Really it did no good unless it was preventative or a very, very bad visit, but I had rather have it than not have it. In 2009 when I found out we were having K-Kitten it was very fortunate that I had it (deductible was only $4,000 then). It saved me from having to pay upwards of $16,000. I’m still paying the $4,000 off though.

For an individual plan I could get a plan that would allow me to continue to have an HSA and cut my deductible down to $3,000 for $310 dollars a month. But there’s one thing…

No maternity benefits. Period.

They’re making their money by selling you insurance they hope you’re not going to use. As a female, they expect that you will be having or wanting children and they don’t want to spend the money on that. They now specifically state that they will not cover any visits, tests, or anything relating to labor and delivery. As a matter of fact it gets it’s own statement on the quote. “Maternity Coverage: Not Covered”

A lot of the plans, including the one I mentioned above, maternity coverage can not even be added. The plans that do allow it to be added, are non HSA, require the highest deductible, are only at best 80/20 or 70/30 plans and raise the premium by almost $75 dollars a month.

Better yet, there’s a 12-month waiting period in my state. Meaning they would not have to cover any maternity related fees if the child was determined to be concieved (not delivered) before the 12-month waiting period is up.

Now, we weren’t planning on adding to our family just yet, but it’s something that has been on my mind. We don’t want to wait too long if we decide that we would like to expand. Seeing this just started to make me wonder, how could people that make too much money to qualify for state assistance, but not enough to pay $10,000 in medical bills, but they could otherwise afford to care for another child, ever have children.

I don’t like that the fact that my health insurance can choose to not provide coverage to pay for over-inflated medical costs like childbirth. The closest free standing birth center to me is over an hour away and even then several thousand dollars will be hard to swallow, but it would be manageable (provided no unforseen complications arose). Just because we are women does not mean we should be denied access to coverage.

I started doing research on independant supplemental maternity insurance, and while in 2009 I remember there being plenty of companies offering it, now they’re few and far between. Even those look shady and not really a company I would like to do business with.

Women already pay upwards of 20% more than men for health insurance, now we will have to pay even more to have children. Either we’ll be paying higher premiums (if we can get coverage added) or higher hospital bills. Sure, they’ll cover well-child visits as preventative, but they will not cover anything until you go home after childbirth.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Did you end up with mountains of medical bills? Did you have maternity coverage that didn’t exactly cover what you thought it would?

Life has an uncanny way of making it difficult to know exactly where you’re going, or how you’re going to get somewhere. I’ve been trying to make my home-based business work out, however with the CPSIA, everything I’ve worked so hard at is going to be illegal or too expensive to continue if something doesn’t drastically change with it’s current provisions on required third party testing. I have considered changing product lines, however, that requires more capital. Capital which I do not have, money that I can not get.

K-Kitten will be 2 soon.

My household has been one big ball of raw nerve-endings. By the next payday we’re lucky to have any money left. The company I work for currently is in dire straights apparently and money is not going where it should in regards to health savings contributions and individual retirement accounts. That money being gone, it has devastated my household. Even trying to look for another position is difficult, as I know that we can not afford for me to be out of work. We can’t even afford to have to take unemployment at 80% of what I’m currently making. Getting a second job for either of us would mean putting K-Kitten into some sort of paid childcare, completely negating the second job in all likelihood.

That brings me to my fork in the road.

Which path do I take to continue safely and logically for my family’s sake? Which risk do I take that will reap the most benefit for them? Each path has risks at this point. Staying where I am, hoping that things get better, toughing it out the best we can and hope that it doesn’t last too long, or trying to move on and hope that I can find a position with as much flexibility and pay as I can. Either way I have to have a lot of faith in the outcome. I’m not sure we can afford for me to choose the wrong path. I’m pretty sure at this point there will be no going back and trying again.

K-kitten has grown so much. I’m so proud of the sweet toddler she is becoming (even when she’s throwing tantrums). I can’t help but think about what would be the best for her in any case. I don’t care what it means in regards to myself, but that she is taken care of is the most important. That includes keeping a roof over our heads, water and electricity flowing, food on the table.

At this point, we’ve been getting by with the extra cash I’ve been earning from my various methods. Without that small amount of income, I hate to think how much more in debt or how many overdraft fees we would have incurred. I’m still looking, hoping, and trying to find the best course forward. Nothing in life is certain I guess, but what do you do when you have so much at stake?

I’ve not been quite as stressed the past few days as I have been the past few months. I have to say that it is getting better, and I’m not as worried about it anymore. I was terrified that I was going to have to go back on to either anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication again. That was a road that I did not care to travel again.

Once upon a time, I was on several medications that basically prevented me from high-level functioning. I could walk from room to room, and I could stay awake, but that was pretty much the end of it. I could not focus on conversation, I could barely talk in coherent sentences, and I drooled all day long. I stayed this way for about a year before I finally decided that while I wasn’t stressed, and depression wasn’t that bad anymore, I could not live like this. I still had aspirations and goals that I could not accomplish being that out of touch.

I removed myself from my medications, slowly. I learned how to cope with life to the best of my abilities, and I learned to let go. Letting go of things is probably the hardest thing that I do or try to do. It’s the source of almost all of my stress and discontentment. I have to do more, be more, have more, and I expect those around me to do the same. If they dont, then I try to help them do so. I end up just making one big emotional mess of myself.

In the past six months or so, I’ve been falling back into that rut. Wake up, go to work, come home, watch K-Kitten, rinse, repeat. Then on the weekends I felt like I was the only one waking up at 8am to wath K-Kitten, cooked dinner, and everything else to make the house run. I was actually, there was really no feeling like it, but I was blowing it all out of proportion. While yes Father Unexpected was taking advantage of the fact that I was taking care of everything, it was not entirely his fault. How can I blame him for not being as quick on the draw, or as thorough, or using the same methods that I would?

I have to immediately get up when K-Kitten calls for us. FU would wait a few minutes, he’s right, a few minutes would not hurt her. He cleans, but he decides to clean other things in the house, and I get mad. He cooks and I get mad becaues he fixes too much. Leaves me feeling like a one-woman super person! I had forgot how to let go I think.

Well Sunday was a revalation day. We dropped K-kitten off at FU’s mother’s house, we were going to go out grocery shop and just have a little time to ourselves. We get on to the interstate and, lo and behold, traffic is completely stopped. There’s an accident somewhere ahead of us. We figure they’ll clear it up and we’ll we on our way soon enough, and we didn’t have a choice. We were there for over two hours before traffic began moving again.

We happened to have bought board games before we started that way, so we had board games to play. We talked, and it’s amazing how intimate you can get when you’re forced to be in the same small space with someone that you feel like you hardly talk to. After that talk, and our time together, we decided to let K-Kitten stay at her grandmother’s house.

The past few days have been wonderful, I’ve not felt this connected to my husband in a very long time. I’ve also not had this much sex in a very long time. I’ve not been this content in a very long time.

To make a long story short: Have more sex, you’ll feel better!

… I keep stopping and coming back to blogging. It’s not that I don’t love to write, or that I don’t love to put information out there that I think is important. I just feel like I keep knocking on the door an nobody’s home. I know there’s hits out there and I know people find me, but I guess it comes down to feeling important. There are some amazing people out there with super followings, super wit, super information. I don’t want to be the copy-cat, I don’t want to make this a full-time gig. I just hope that I can help a few people along the way.

I think I know why I started blogging in the first place. I wanted somewhere to talk about the things that have changed my life so significantly that I could no longer stand along the sidelines and just wait for the game to playself out. Most importantly, I realized that women can and should be encouraged and empowered to become who they really are and stand up for that person they find. I started blogging so others could share, feel, and to become part of a group larger than just myself.

Sometimes I feel that I’ve not accomplished that goal, but moments later I remember that I’ve been touched by people that I’ve found through my research, articles I’ve read in my search for answers, and I’ve shared these people with my world (however small it may be). It makes it all worth it. My family makes it all worth it…

You, make it all worth it. I will continue on.

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I’ve been a little down and out and had pretty much decided to stop blogging before yesterday. However, I’ve realized that every little thing that gets out has it’s place in the world and even if I only reach one person, then the reason I started this whole venture has been fulfilled.