Mother Unexpected

We have been so flat out broke the past few months. Living paycheck to paycheck or less so. Our savings has became our bail-out and has virtually became non-existent. I keep trying to come up with ways to make s’more of the green stuff, but I’ve been coming up short handed. I keep thinking “if only I could come up with a couple hundred more dollars”, which would honestly get us back in the green right now, but we’d have to continue to turn over that extra couple hundred a month to stay there.

Even then, I would still never see an end in sight for the credit card bills and hospital bills that are overwhelming me. My bills are to the point of literally making me sick. What are you supposed to do when you and your husband both work full time jobs, you try to limit any extra spending and you still come up short? We already don’t pay for TV, or anything like that… I do have the internet, but I have to for my job.

I’ve even gotten to the point of religiously clipping coupons and trying to save money on groceries that no-matter-what-I-do cost us at least $100 a week. I can walk out of Walmart with two items and it would still ring up 97.95 or something similar.

I’ve even went so far as to resort to online chump change making, to offset some costs. I’ve been a ChaCha guide for a while now. I never make much, but I guess at this point anything is better than nothing. I’ve SwagBucked and try to get some gift cards that way. I don’t know what else to try. I’m going to give Ebay one shot and see how I do with that. I’m just not sure I’ll have the time to really dedicate to Ebay to make enough profit for me to call it worth it.

How does everyone else do it? I know of plenty of people with more than one kid and only one income in the house and they seem to be just fine. Are they just better at hiding the problems than me? Do they secretly live off of PB&J everyday of their lives? What am I doing so wrong?

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Anyone know of any good supplemental incomes that doesn’t require extensive time dedication? I have the resources and the know-how, but not a lot of time. How do you guys do it? I can’t seem to get a dollar to stretch to do anything.

Ameda has launched a new breastfeeding campaign! “I breastfeed because…” was launched to help raise awareness of breastfeeding and support breastfeeding moms.

As a quick post today, I want to share why I breastfeed.

I breastfeed because it was the choice that meant the most to me and my family. It made sense. Now that I have breastfeed, I continue to breastfeed because… the look on my daughter’s face melts my heart, only I can provide a comfort like that, and she provides me the same comfort. I will continue to breastfeed as long as possible because I believe the benefits don’t stop here. We’ll keep going until we both choose to stop.

I have a thousand different reasons that I just can’t explain. There’s something so transforming about breastfeeding. It’s changed who I am, what I feel, and how I relate to the world around me. It’s such a profound change and breastfeeding is such a powerful thing.

Happy World Breastfeeding Month! (And happy breastfeeding all year ’round).

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Why do you or do you plan to breastfeed? Head over to http://www.ibreastfeedbecause.com and let everyone know. Visit MommyNewsBlog and enter for your chance to win an Ameda Purely Yours breastpump!

Sorry I don’t usually edit to update, but myameda re-tweeted me. Little things people, little things. I’m beaming. Check it out!

Father Unexpected mentioned to me Sunday night that he was “glad I let them put the fetal monitors on”. We were talking about K-Kittens birth (what I remember of it) since his brother and his wife are expecting a little one now. It broke my heart to hear that. I asked him why, because I was only in the hospital 3 hours before I gave birth and I know that they weren’t getting very good readings, because my nurses were scolding me every ten minutes saying that they couldn’t get a baseline.

FU just said that he could read it just fine, and I feel like he’s full of shit. Yeah, he’s in emergency medicine, but sorry sweetheart, you don’t read fetal monitors for a living. An EKG maybe (he’s not even really read those he’s only EMT-B) but not a fetal heart rate monitor. Then we got to talking about my dose of Staydol. He said well “I figured you were ready, you told me to go get your nurse. I asked if you were ready?”

I wasn’t ready for pain meds! So I don’t remember my baby crying and talked about boob on the videos of my baby’s first hours in this world, because my husband decided that a woman in transition needed pain meds. And my nurse didn’t ask me, she just gave them to me. I’m not sure how to get over this one. It’s been going on 11 months since my daughter’s birth and I’m sitting here crying over it again. Here I am thinking all over again I don’t ever want to have another baby. I. Do. Not. Want. That. Again.

Why do I have to live in a state that has no such thing as homebirth midwives? That has no such thing as women-centered… anythings? Why do I have to have a husband that thinks that me not wanting to have a fetal monitor is irresponsible and that I should do anything and everything any doctor and nurse says because our baby is more important than anything that has to do with me. Disclaimer: That’s very blown out of proportion, but that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.

Why do I have to compromise my feelings because of this?

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I’m hurt today. I’m sad, and I’m hurt. Really considering never having another child & I was just starting to warm up to the idea of another. There are going to be long talks in this household before another baby is on the way. When do the feelings of regret and anger go away!? I’m dying here.

I’ve still been watching my freezer stash of milk slowly dwindle away. I think there’s only 16 bags of milk in there now, when at one time the entire top shelf was completely full. I don’t guess I have anyone to blame but myself, but I had a very good plan to pick my supply back up and start replacing that which was lost. I have failed miserably.

I even caught myself yesterday failing to pump a single time at work (although I did slip away home at lunch to nurse her personally). I feel so down and out about it. It’s making it even harder to pull myself out of this slump and make myself do it. The smaller the stash gets the worse my moral gets and the less I pump. Bringing home around 10 ounces a day compared to the 16 or 18 I was bringing home two months ago is depressing. Especially when she eats anywhere from 8 to 15 ounces while I’m gone.

I wish my company made it easier for me. Unfortunately I work in a cubicle jungle and have to ask one of my higher-ups to borrow their office just to have a little privacy. I’m going to try again though. I really want to make this work. Instead of being so lazy and only pumping when I feel like I have to (which is what happens when you’re super-overloaded-busy) I’m going to start MAKING the time.

Hopefully I can continue and pick back up enough to make sure K-Kitten can have breastmilk until she’s a year while I’m at work. Hopefully I can get out of this failure rut I keep finding myself in. I have no one to blame but myself in this case. It’s a classic situation of time gets away from me, too busy, excuse after excuse.

This is a case where I feel that excuses are not good enough. If I can’t take 30 minutes out of my day to pump milk for my daughter I’m being ridiculous. I’m not that important to everyone else, but I am to her.

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Anyone else having trouble a little later in the game with supply? Gosh, am I going to feel this way when she really starts eating more and more solids? I’ll let you know how it goes again soon, hopefully I’ll have better news to report.

I’ve been getting a little off-topic lately. I try to keep everything to pregnancy and being a mother, but there’s just been a lot going on recently. In honor of the totally-hot-n-awesome Gina, of TheFeministBreeder, getting her BFP I wanted to share my positive result story from when I found out about K-Kitten being on her way. I found myself so incredibly happy for her, and hoping someday I get to be as excited (at least not crying) when I find out as her, instead of a trainwreck — keep chuggin’ along and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

The day we found out -- 6 weeks 1 day

I was told a LOOOOOONG time ago, by various doctors and such, that I would probably never have children. It was suspected that I had endometrial damage that would not allow implant. Now of course, I know that no one knew for sure, they were just spouting off guesses. I had been on Depo-Provera and was told that being on it so long (4 1/2 years) could lead to difficulties, including the new thing they had discovered which was permanent bone density loss.

I had severe cramping and theatrical bleeding when I was not on birth control, but everything I went on after the shot seemed to make it worse. Father Unexpected and I had been dating for four years, living together and what-not, so I decided to stop all birth control methods. In the first year (end of 2005) I was pretty open to the idea of having a baby. I figured if I could get pregnant I would and tah-dah in your face Mr. Dr. Man. Unfortunately, the year passed and no sign of baby.

My period straightened out that year, you could set a clock by me. I don’t know if it was the years of not having a period, or just finally getting it’s head on straight, but everything seemed ok. Shame, Shame on me, I hadn’t been visiting a doctor for anything since I turned 17 because I lost my medical insurance and made too much money as a full-time student to qualify for any assistance.

No baby in 06-07-08 — I never so much as went back on the pill. By the time 2009 rolled around, we were looking to buy a home, I had finished college in 07, and we had a pretty decent (albeit poor) life. We had a couple of “coming to Jeebus”es over our relationship, and we were stronger than ever in our relationship (although we’ve always had our issues to constantly work through). In January, I really began thinking about going back on the pill or something, I could not fathom having a child now, even though it seemed highly unlikely that I would ever get pregnant.

Now that I had insurance, I decided I would do it as soon as I went for my annual in March.

I was working on a phone system for a company that was moving to a new building in February. I was due to start my period on the 10th, it was the 13th and I still hadn’t started. I felt some cramping — period-like pain and I just shrugged it off as a little late. By the 16th I looked in the mirror and realized holy hell, my boobs are huge and they tingle! I was working at this little place that they didn’t even have the heat turned on yet, and I still had to run out to the car, IMMEDIATELY go to Walmart and pick up a pack of pregnancy tests.

I rip that thing open in the Walmart bathroom. Then I nearly faint as the DARKEST EVER extra line pops up on the thing to make the little + sign. There was no, maybe it’s a fluke. Suddenly, I’m completely terrified! I’m a grown woman, sobbing in the bathroom stall at Walmart. I shoulda known better than to take the thing while I was still working. I had to finish the day of work in that cold ass building and couldn’t even bring myself to smoke. I had to throw them away when I found out it was positive — in hindsight, I should have waited to take any test with Father Unexpected, so I wouldn’t have had all this worrying and stressing to deal with.

I was SURE Father Unexpected would shit bricks. He was always the “I don’t want kids”, “I’m never getting married” type. Which was fine with me, although in recent years he had been mentioning “If I ever have a kid” so I think some of that was just show.. I had NO IDEA how I was going to tell him. I couldn’t tell him on the phone. I couldn’t just walk right up in the living room while he watched Battlestar and tell him.

The morning of the 20th after having a little time to myself to deal with things (and taking a few more tests… just to be sure) I tell FU that I’m “late”. He just says “OK, just get a test and see.” I was dumbfounded, it was as if there were no impending doom soundtracks playing in his head. I was astounded. I couldn’t tell him I had already taken one. So, instead, I go to work, come back with a test. Take it… then interrupt Battlestar to tell him he has to go look, I can’t. Which translated to… I already know, but I can’t tell you without a complete panic attack so I’ll let the stick tell you.

I was that terrified of what he would say/do. I don’t know why, chalk it up to one of those weird things your brain can convince you of when you’re high on pregnancy hormones. He looked, checked the paper, he looked again, and I start BAWLING. I’m 10 different levels of tore up! He holds me while I cry in the dining room, then after a few minutes he walks away. I’m even more confused when he walks back out of the bathroom and says, “I’m sorry, I had to go wipe the shit-eating grin off my face”. I guess I figured he would walk out, or get angry, or some other crazy scenario I had built in my warped mind.

I went to sleep that night crying, by the next day we were talking about baby names and I started to get a little excited. I was so worried about what we would do, what he would say, that I didn’t let myself really think about what it meant to me. I can have children, I am having one! I was elated. Then that evening I was sick… I complained and bitched and moaned the rest of my pregnancy.

In hindsight, it was the best day of my life. With the most crying and stress I have ever had. I’m super glad I didn’t make it another month, because I may have made it on birth control and my love would not have graced this earth. Now that I know I can have children… I’ve got Mirena. We’ll talk about #2 when she’s 2. Right now, I’m enjoying motherhood of a singleton and could not be more proud.

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Do you have a BFP story to tell? Were you happy, scared, upset, or a little bit of everything like me? Was it expected or completely out of the blue?

Today I turn 24 years old. I’m not exactly sure what time anymore, but I’m sure it was during the wee hours of the morning (I’m just difficult like that). Unfortunately, my birthday has gotten off to less than stellar start. The motherboard on my desktop died, Father Unexpected has to work a 24 today, and I’m just in one of those moods.

Got home from a nice weekend back home in po-dunk, we went for Father Unexpected’s family reunion. We got to visit with a lot of people that we’ve not seen in years. One of our visits were to someone we hadn’t talked to since we were still young, stupid, and not always as happy.

The last time we seen this man, he was still a police officer in the town I lived in. I lived in a little one bedroom project apartment all alone, even though Father Unexpected and I were together some of the time there. One night I get a knock on my door and it’s some rather large black woman, drunk and screaming. She went on about how I was sleeping with her husband and that she was going to kill me, proceeded to throw a beer bottle at me about the time I slammed the door, leaving a nice big dent in my metal door. I call the police and sure-nuff here comes Taylor (our friend).

I’m very shaken at this point, crying, confused, and although I knew no one could get into the apartment without me knowing, and I had a gun if they did manage to do so (I’ve seen four police officers in another building try to take out a door, they just managed to effectively strand the people inside by messing up the door so badly). He arrives, sits down, and keeps going on telling me not to cry, he even manages to get all tore up and cry a bit himself.

He says that he’s going to get FU and he’ll sit outside in his car until he arrives (I had said I tried to call him and couldn’t reach him). He called the police department for the city where FU lived and had them go to his house and retrieve him from bed and send him there. How embarrassing! But at the same time I think it was one of the nicest things that anyone had ever done for me.

Now he’s disabled and still the same bubbly Taylor we all remember. He didn’t even know FU and I were still together, let alone married with a little girl now. K-Kitten had a ball sitting in his lap and making the man in the wheelchair play oopsie with her.

Now of course I should be tellin’ a birthday story, but honestly, unless I was drunk, I don’t have that many. Even those, you probably wouldn’t care to hear.

I can’t wait to get home today and spend the rest of my birthday with the best birthday present ever! My darling daughter, K-Kitten! I have a ton of new pictures of her, but they’ll have to wait. Until I get a replacement PC, or a replacement motherboard at least. Maybe I’ll be able to afford one by the end of the year. Yay for being poor!

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Anyone got a spare motherboard? Anyone else have a birthday today? Fun stories to tell about your past?

Father Unexpected took 80 hours of vacation time in anticipation of our trip to Chantilly, VA that didn’t happen. He’s been holding in some hostility toward my company for that, since that was all the vacation time that he had available to him. Essentially, he’s taken all the vacation he’s earned over the course of several years, just so he could stay home while I had to work. Now let me qualify that statement: He didn’t even take any vacation time when I was on maternity leave immediately after K-Kitten was born. He was back to work for his very next shift a few days later. The reasoning behind this was: We wanted to have a REAL vacation this year as a family.

Chantilly was supposed to be just that. Our vacation, anniversary, a new experience, all wrapped into one neat little convenient package. Since the training was canceled because of a new agreement that I felt I was being pressured into signing at the last possible minute (and refused to sign for that reason), I feel as though partially it’s my fault that he had to essentially waste all of his vacation. I know that, however, it was not my fault and although he’s been in a bad mood, he doesn’t necessarily mean to make it feel like I have been the bane of his very existence the past week.

We’ve both been a little curt with each other this week though, we really needed this vacation. With K-Kitten and work and all of our recent changes and accommodations we’ve had to make in our lives recently, it’s been hard on the both of us in our own distinct ways. I’m a fixer and he’s a dirt-kicker.

Fixer – Always tries to find a solution that fits the problem exactly. Gets by with whatever is available and tries to discover new and inventive (ie: crazy sometimes impossible schemes) ways to rectify a bad situation.

K-Kitten and her Daddy!

Dirt-Kicker – Those that define themselves by their bad (or good) luck. Often shake their heads and blame the cosmos for their misfortune (or less often windfalls). Resign themselves to their fates more-or-less. Sometimes with a last minute valiant effort to “save the day”.

Well, my dirt-kicker is off on his valiant escapade right now. He packed up last night and left, determined to do something for his vacation, “since everything has been telling him he’s not destined to do a damn thing.”

I kissed him and sent him on his merry way. In a mood like that, there’s no point in me stopping him. Even now, there’s only a 50-50 chance that he’ll come back in a better mood than when he left. Not to mention the fact that he has to go back to work tonight at midnight for a 24.

Ah well, I hope he has a good time none-the-less. I hope he gets some of whatever he needed to do out of his system. I just think it’s so funny at how completely different we are in just about ever aspect of life. It’s hard for me to fathom being this upset over not having to work and still getting paid (but I’ve also not had a vacation in four years, I guess it’s all a matter of what you can personally accept). He’s gotten to spend a lot of quality time with K-Kitten, although he would have liked to have gotten to spend more quality time with his motorcycle me-thinks as well.

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Are you and your significant other the same or polar opposites? Do you feel like sometimes you’re guilty when you know you’re not? What kind of person are you? Feel free to make up some more “types” as I certainly made those up