Mother Unexpected

My brother-in-law’s wife is four months pregnant with their first baby. Over the weekend, Father Unexpected and I drove the hour upstate to visit with them. It was a relatively pleasant visit, but I found myself extremely distraught by the fact that she’s pregnant. I’m not sure if it’s her nonchalant demeanor or the fact that she and I come from completely separate worlds (even though we share a heritage — our parents (at least one of them) are from the Phillipines).

Father Unexpected and his brother are both polar opposites as well. FU wouldn’t be able to hold on to a nickel for longer than an hour and would have no recollection of what had become of that nickel the next day. His brother on the other hand, could eat for six months off of that single nickel. Sometimes I think that I would get along better with his brother than he does, but I tend to try to ally myself with his wife.

I want to reach out to her and offer my support during her pregnancy, but I fear she does not seem to want it. I fear for her experiences to be had, although I can not prevent them only encourage her to seek the information and make up her own mind. FU and I have prodded as much as we feel comfortable and hope they’ll reach out to us again for information or support. I just wish I had some of the resources they have available.

Larger city, more birth choices, he has a good job and plenty of rental income, she has the mere choice to make of where she would like to go to have this baby. Being from another country however, I do not think she’s even considered this fact. It makes my heart ache. I find myself craving another pregnancy. I want to do it again. I want to do it all over again, I want to do it again even knowing all the disheartening things I’ve learned since K-Kitten was born.

K-Kitten (Toto) With Dorothy and the Scarecrow -- Halloween 2010

Then I remember: We do not have the luxury of “spare income”. We don’t have 20+ rental homes and the ability to move or buy a new home on a whim. We barely make ends meet as it is. We barely keep the lights on and the mortgage paid. I don’t want to have to work two full time jobs with two children, I want to be able to stay home if we ever have another child. I want to get to see my children grow up, and not watch from my computer screen across town at work.

Hopefully someday soon I’ll be able to get happy about wanting another baby again. Right now, I want, but can not allow myself to have. I wish it were not so. I’m so painfully aware of everyone having babies soon and I crave to be them. I must be crazy, because I hated being pregnant.

Maybe it’s just the onset of the holidays and family being around more. Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. I hope everyone enjoyed their Halloween. Now it’s time to get ready for Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

I find it funny that all the stores are already lining their shelves with “gift ideas” and decking the halls with decorations and ornaments. I remember when this sort of transformation at least waited until Thanksgiving was over. It already has begun to make me uneasy.

Christmas is a holiday that I’m fairly unexcited about. I’m not all that religious, so the religious implications mean little to me. I do however believe that the closing of the year and the beginning of the new is something to be celebrated. Looking at one’s past and hoping to the future with family and friends. Enjoying each other’s company and reveling in life.

We do give gifts at Christmas, if only to put smiles on faces and express some sentiment. My husband and I do not give gift cards or hand out money, we would rather make a gift or pick something heartfelt and useful. This year, however, is proving to make that difficult. Since K-Kitten has entered our lives, I have trouble looking beyond her and looking at my wonderful family. They have done so much for us in the past year, so much so that I do not believe we would be in any position to talk about Christmas gifts if they had not.

It puts me in a predicament. What do you do or give to someone that you feel you owe so much to? When you have so little to give and so many that need and deserve the recognition. I know K-Kitten will have anything and everything she could possibly need, I need not worry about that, but what can I do to show my gratitude and humbleness.

I feel as though they will feel like we’ve been accepting hand-outs without any kind of appreciation. I want to get them all something that has meaning and will show them how much we really care about them and all they do. I know that does not mean we have to spend the sparse amounts of money we have, but I don’t know what to get them anyway. I don’t know what I could make, buy, or otherwise that would be a fitting gift.

I know they will love and cherish anything we might give them, but I don’t know what will satisfy me. What will satisfy my need to show them how loved and appreciated they are! They deserve so much more than I feel I can give or express.

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Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. Money woes and birthday plans have stolen away my time. I have many ideas for some new topics of interest and assure you that my bloggie self will return with regularly scheduled programming soon. In the meantime, any ideas?