Mother Unexpected

Life has an uncanny way of making it difficult to know exactly where you’re going, or how you’re going to get somewhere. I’ve been trying to make my home-based business work out, however with the CPSIA, everything I’ve worked so hard at is going to be illegal or too expensive to continue if something doesn’t drastically change with it’s current provisions on required third party testing. I have considered changing product lines, however, that requires more capital. Capital which I do not have, money that I can not get.

K-Kitten will be 2 soon.

My household has been one big ball of raw nerve-endings. By the next payday we’re lucky to have any money left. The company I work for currently is in dire straights apparently and money is not going where it should in regards to health savings contributions and individual retirement accounts. That money being gone, it has devastated my household. Even trying to look for another position is difficult, as I know that we can not afford for me to be out of work. We can’t even afford to have to take unemployment at 80% of what I’m currently making. Getting a second job for either of us would mean putting K-Kitten into some sort of paid childcare, completely negating the second job in all likelihood.

That brings me to my fork in the road.

Which path do I take to continue safely and logically for my family’s sake? Which risk do I take that will reap the most benefit for them? Each path has risks at this point. Staying where I am, hoping that things get better, toughing it out the best we can and hope that it doesn’t last too long, or trying to move on and hope that I can find a position with as much flexibility and pay as I can. Either way I have to have a lot of faith in the outcome. I’m not sure we can afford for me to choose the wrong path. I’m pretty sure at this point there will be no going back and trying again.

K-kitten has grown so much. I’m so proud of the sweet toddler she is becoming (even when she’s throwing tantrums). I can’t help but think about what would be the best for her in any case. I don’t care what it means in regards to myself, but that she is taken care of is the most important. That includes keeping a roof over our heads, water and electricity flowing, food on the table.

At this point, we’ve been getting by with the extra cash I’ve been earning from my various methods. Without that small amount of income, I hate to think how much more in debt or how many overdraft fees we would have incurred. I’m still looking, hoping, and trying to find the best course forward. Nothing in life is certain I guess, but what do you do when you have so much at stake?

I’ve not been quite as stressed the past few days as I have been the past few months. I have to say that it is getting better, and I’m not as worried about it anymore. I was terrified that I was going to have to go back on to either anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication again. That was a road that I did not care to travel again.

Once upon a time, I was on several medications that basically prevented me from high-level functioning. I could walk from room to room, and I could stay awake, but that was pretty much the end of it. I could not focus on conversation, I could barely talk in coherent sentences, and I drooled all day long. I stayed this way for about a year before I finally decided that while I wasn’t stressed, and depression wasn’t that bad anymore, I could not live like this. I still had aspirations and goals that I could not accomplish being that out of touch.

I removed myself from my medications, slowly. I learned how to cope with life to the best of my abilities, and I learned to let go. Letting go of things is probably the hardest thing that I do or try to do. It’s the source of almost all of my stress and discontentment. I have to do more, be more, have more, and I expect those around me to do the same. If they dont, then I try to help them do so. I end up just making one big emotional mess of myself.

In the past six months or so, I’ve been falling back into that rut. Wake up, go to work, come home, watch K-Kitten, rinse, repeat. Then on the weekends I felt like I was the only one waking up at 8am to wath K-Kitten, cooked dinner, and everything else to make the house run. I was actually, there was really no feeling like it, but I was blowing it all out of proportion. While yes Father Unexpected was taking advantage of the fact that I was taking care of everything, it was not entirely his fault. How can I blame him for not being as quick on the draw, or as thorough, or using the same methods that I would?

I have to immediately get up when K-Kitten calls for us. FU would wait a few minutes, he’s right, a few minutes would not hurt her. He cleans, but he decides to clean other things in the house, and I get mad. He cooks and I get mad becaues he fixes too much. Leaves me feeling like a one-woman super person! I had forgot how to let go I think.

Well Sunday was a revalation day. We dropped K-kitten off at FU’s mother’s house, we were going to go out grocery shop and just have a little time to ourselves. We get on to the interstate and, lo and behold, traffic is completely stopped. There’s an accident somewhere ahead of us. We figure they’ll clear it up and we’ll we on our way soon enough, and we didn’t have a choice. We were there for over two hours before traffic began moving again.

We happened to have bought board games before we started that way, so we had board games to play. We talked, and it’s amazing how intimate you can get when you’re forced to be in the same small space with someone that you feel like you hardly talk to. After that talk, and our time together, we decided to let K-Kitten stay at her grandmother’s house.

The past few days have been wonderful, I’ve not felt this connected to my husband in a very long time. I’ve also not had this much sex in a very long time. I’ve not been this content in a very long time.

To make a long story short: Have more sex, you’ll feel better!

… I keep stopping and coming back to blogging. It’s not that I don’t love to write, or that I don’t love to put information out there that I think is important. I just feel like I keep knocking on the door an nobody’s home. I know there’s hits out there and I know people find me, but I guess it comes down to feeling important. There are some amazing people out there with super followings, super wit, super information. I don’t want to be the copy-cat, I don’t want to make this a full-time gig. I just hope that I can help a few people along the way.

I think I know why I started blogging in the first place. I wanted somewhere to talk about the things that have changed my life so significantly that I could no longer stand along the sidelines and just wait for the game to playself out. Most importantly, I realized that women can and should be encouraged and empowered to become who they really are and stand up for that person they find. I started blogging so others could share, feel, and to become part of a group larger than just myself.

Sometimes I feel that I’ve not accomplished that goal, but moments later I remember that I’ve been touched by people that I’ve found through my research, articles I’ve read in my search for answers, and I’ve shared these people with my world (however small it may be). It makes it all worth it. My family makes it all worth it…

You, make it all worth it. I will continue on.

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I’ve been a little down and out and had pretty much decided to stop blogging before yesterday. However, I’ve realized that every little thing that gets out has it’s place in the world and even if I only reach one person, then the reason I started this whole venture has been fulfilled.