Mother Unexpected

Can you tell that I was pregnant?

Hold the phone. You heard me right. I was a pregnant bride. Wasn’t really planned that way, honestly, it was barely planned at all. I wasn’t prepared for the shit storm that it caused either. It’s funny how everyone else seems to have a say in something so personal.

There were a lot of things going on in our life. We found out we were pregnant with K-Kitten in February, we were looking for a home to buy for almost a year and being pregnant kicked that hunt up a notch. We had just found a nice little home on a half acre of land and put in an offer. After fighting back and forth offer after offer for another home we seen this one and decided it was worth a try. They were asking 65k which was outside of our budget, but we decided all they could do was tell us no. We offered 60k if they would put 3% toward our closing. They accepted.

Just after we found out they accepted our offer we got a call that my Mammy (my paternal grandmother) was on her way to the hospital. To make a long and agonizing story short, she had suffered a hemorrhagic stroke and she never got to see her great-grandbaby. The day of her funeral… we signed on our house.

The next day Father Unexpected and I were sitting in my Mammy’s house and looking through her old pictures and things with my parents when we started talking about our plans to get married. We had been together for 8 years and it never really came up in conversation, mostly because it didn’t really make much difference to me if we had a piece of paper or not. FU suggested that we get married. I was completely opposed to the idea at first. Not only did I not want to get married only “because I was pregnant”, but I didn’t want to get married pregnant. Especially 7 months pregnant, I felt ugly and not at all bride material.

The Kiss

Finally we decided that we would go ahead with it. All I wanted was pictures and a dress. My mother made my dress for me just like I always envisioned that she would (although I had to rethink the style). In total we spent two weeks and $600 on our entire wedding. We had a very small ceremony at our state park where we grew up and an open reception/pot-luck at my mom’s home after. Our wedding ceremony lasted all of 10 minutes and I think that only one of us said vows. We didn’t record it, as this was something that apart from photos we wanted to remember ourselves.

I remember when we were planning everything that I got to where I didn’t even want to tell anyone that I was getting married, because of the conclusions everyone went immediately to. I’ve never had more people ask me if “I was sure” that I was doing the right thing. Just because I was pregnant didn’t mean that I didn’t love him the last eight years of my life and that it made getting married any different. We just faced the facts that paternity paperwork doesn’t exist when you’re married, and with a dependent there was no tax problems as a married couple that we would have been faced with had we been married without a child.

Now can you tell?

Why didn’t you wait? That’s probably the biggest question I get asked. I didn’t wait, because we didn’t want to. We didn’t want the added stress of having a new baby in the house and trying to plan something so monumental. We wanted to do something just for us before the baby arrived, we wanted to have this moment after so much heartache, if only to reconfirm our already unwavering love for each other.

Would you do it again if you could do it over? Yes, in a heartbeat. K-Kitten got to be a very big part of my special day. We danced with our unborn daughter at our wedding…. how much better does it get?

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My dedication to NaBloPoMo sucked this weekend. I just don’t do responsibility well on my few days that I have so few. I’m going to try to figure out a way to write the posts and schedule them for next weekend. Sorry, I’m pushing myself to do better

Already a gamer at heart.

It’s been hotly debated for… well, since I started playing video games at the tender age of 3, about the effect on video games and television on children. It’s one of those things that people tend to either be on one side, the other, or straddling the middle. You either feel that no television/video games should be seen by children, that it’s perfectly fine for children, or that there might be some things that can wait a while. I’m firmly on the fence about the content debate, but weather I would or wouldn’t allow K-Kitten to watch or play video games? I fall square on my ass in the YES camp.

When we are talking about content, K-Kitten will be much older before actively playing  a zombie game, not necessarily for the gore or violence, but mostly due to the fear factor. I can remember watching my dad play Doom when I was little. I LOVED doing anything with my dad, I was a daddy’s girl after all, even if it scared the be-jeebuz out of me. The gore never bothered me, the guns and shooting never bothered me, it was the monsters! To this day, those monsters still creep me out. Let me guess the list of baddies that will attack our young when we let them play video games.

Violent video games make children more violent adults. I can agree that there may be some violent play in your house, I can remember playing “Mortal Combat” on the trampoline with my cousins, but I think there’s a big difference between conscious play/roughhousing and actual violence. I never remember anyone being hurt playing our game on the trampoline or playing G.I. Joe using the culvert as the “trenches”. Looking at the statistics juvenile violent crime rates have been going down since 1993. Children are much more aware of the world around them than we might think, trying to protect them from ever seeing violence may leave them unprepared for the real world. Unfortunately, our world is filled with violence and hate.

Video games aren’t teaching our children anything worthwhile. Games aren’t the same as they were when the only place you could find them was the arcade. To play most video games now, even simple made-for-kid games, it requires a wide skill set and knowledge. We’re not talking about just hand-eye, but all forms of thinking as defined in Bloom’s Taxonomy. You have to memorize special key sets or combinations, work through elaborate puzzles and riddles, move quickly and deliberately, re-evaluate and create strategy, and apply personal sets of skills to complete tasks. Doesn’t sound like the brain will be gathering any dust to me.

Our kids will become social hermits and never leave the house again…. worse yet, they’ll never move out of MY house! Lets see, I can see how some children honestly would stay locked up in their room playing video games for the rest of their life. I could have probably done it, but I personally see a few fatal flaws. I didn’t have anyone that would cater to a self-destructive lifestyle, and life really wasn’t that boring. As a matter of fact, even when I was playing video games, most of them were Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGs) where I made some life-long friends, I think that counts as “social”. Some introverts may even call the interactions they have in their online worlds are more satisfying than face-to-face interactions, the relationships that can be formed can be just as integrated and intimate. There’s a real danger of pathological gaming, but in a study of 3,000, 90% of them did not show signs of pathological gaming or addiction.

Too many children are uninterested in technology, especially girls. I work as a computer network technician and I face that fact every day. I’m working in a male dominated field and it doesn’t appear to be changing fast. I want K-Kitten to grow up exposed to technology, to the fun and entertainment it can provide, to the intricacies and work it can perform. I want to teach her the difference between simulated violence and the horrors of real violence. I want to be close as she embarks on her own moral and personal building journeys. It is our job to teach, guide, and protect, but it’s not our job to shield them from all of life’s horrors and disappointments. Our goals as parents are to raise well-adjusted, independent, strong adults.

Since K-Kitten is a girl, I think it is especially important to show her the world from a different perspective (I’m not talking pink and frilly here people). I’ve worked my whole life proving myself, in my field of work, in my competence, and in my skill with everything from cars to writing. If playing video games is something she likes to do, we’re going to do it with her. Besides, research suggests that playing age-appropriate video games with daughters can make them happier, more connected, less aggressive, and less depressed.

Yup, we totally did Star Wars for Halloween.

Much like a soccer mom, but without the minivan and the mother-of-the year award. With all the concerns over all the not-so-nice-stuff that they say video games cause, people act like you’re a horrible mom for playing one of those violence inducing, fat-making, video things. Really, I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t take my kid with me to Mardi Gras and bar hop, but I just don’t see doing an independent activity from your child as all that harmful.

Father Unexpected and I have a large gaming background. We both played MMORPGs (like Everquest and World of Warcraft) heavily, and enjoyed PC gaming together for several of the early years of our relationship. At some points online interaction was the only means of communication as we were both working extensively (and he was able to utilize the internet while at his job) and it was more personal and immediate than e-mail. I had never heard of texting and cell phones were too expensive. FU didn’t even have one at the time.

When we first moved in together we bought a Playstation 2. I was a big fan of Kingdom Hearts at the time and played it through. FU played it some, but we never even bothered to buy a second controller to play together. We still had enough resources to play PC games together in the same house though. At one point when I was in college, I can remember playing Everquest for 8 to 12 hours a day, working my part-time job, going to class, then playing some more and sleeping here and there when I felt like it.

I’m sure a lot of people would say that I had an obsession, that it was unhealthy, maybe even call it an addiction. The fact of the matter is, I really liked the game. I was a poor, college student that would rather pay 15 dollars a month playing a video game than 10 dollars a day running the streets like my other peers at the time. I was younger, a little stupid, and had the time to kill. I got older, bills started costing more, gaming happened less. Eventually, I stopped playing because it cost too much and I just didn’t have the time to kill that I used to. Addicted? I think not.

I think it’s generally accepted in society that fathers will play video games. I think it’s viewed as a man’s “thing”, sitting on the couch playing video games while the wife cooks. Did you know that women gamers are trying to tip the scales? There are now more women playing pc/web based games than men. In my house, FU is more likely to be cooking dinner while I play the 360, I’m a horrible cook. But because I’m a mother, a working mother, that plays video games (that don’t exist on facebook) I’m more likely to be shamed and frowned at. I guess I’m supposed to be selflessly doing laundry, while playing patty-cake, while cooking, while vacuuming, and at the same time changing a diaper to be a “good mom”. Oh, how I hate the “good mom” card. The fact that I play video games alone is enough to be forever marked with the “bad mom” tag, let alone the fact that I play video games while K-Kitten is home and playing just fine by herself for a while.

Now, on the other side of this coin. I don’t play video games from the time I get home to the time I go to bed. We have much cooler things to do, like go outside and play tag while there’s not snow on the ground. Do I have better things to do besides play video games? Actually yes, I should be doing things like laundry and dishes, but really… I’m never going to be caught up on either of those things, I’ve faced the fact that I’m a horrible housewife and have come to terms with it. Father Unexpected may come to terms with it in the next 16 years or so. In light of this though, I actually had someone say that I shouldn’t be playing video games because my daughter “needs me” and they’d suck me into a black hole or something. Lady, there is no black hole, I know I tried to find it after entirely too much alcohol in college… and my daughter needs to not grow up like you. While she pretend cooks me a big meal, I’ll play my video game, then have imaginary cookies thanks.

Will K-Kitten be playing video games when she gets a little older? Hell yes! We will be playing together I’m sure. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

There is nothing wrong with a parent doing something that they liked to do before they were a parent. I’ve not neglected my daughter by not giving her my undivided attention for 30 minutes out of any given day. I get to bond with my husband over something we both enjoy. I get the satisfaction of doing something completely non-work (outside or inside the home) related for a little while.

And getting to dance around the living room, laughing, pointing, screaming “BOO YA! HEADSHOT!!” after sniping FU from across the map?

EPIC

No, I’m not talking about those extra five pounds that you wake up with the day after Thanksgiving. I’m talking about those little things that you pick up over your life, habits, mannerisms, that you keep going long after the first time. Those things that you’re not exactly sure why you keep doing them, but you do.

I remember in High School there was this thing that kids did. Eat their pizza with ranch dressing. It was disgusting. Well, I thought it was disgusting, and refused to try it for a very long time. Then it became so popular that they would have an entire tub of ranch dressing out every time they served pizza in the lunch line. Regardless of if there was salad that day. I decided it wouldn’t kill me to try it. I don’t think it was amazing, or even all that great, but I still do it to this day. Every time I take my two year old out to Gatti’s…. there’s ranch dressing on my plate.

I have a lot of things that I can think of that I’ve kept doing over the years, but the ones that stand out the most are always food related. I guess I just like food. There are a lot of things that, thankfully, I’ve stopped doing (like saying “Dude” after every phrase).

Something I just did today that reminded me of this. Arby’s curly fries with cheddar cheese sauce. For years in high school every Saturday was a band competition (yes, I was totally a band geek) and we would stop at a little place that had three restaurants. A McDonald’s, an Arby’s, and a Burger King. I always chose Arby’s and I always had a large fry with two cups of cheddar cheese. Maybe I did that because it was just at $5 with a small drink and that’s all I had to spend on each of these trips, who knows. But I still do it. No ketchup for me, give me cheese!

One thing that started much earlier than high school is me playing with my hair when I’m tired. I can remember my mother playing with my hair when I had trouble falling asleep and even now when I’m tired I’ll subconsciously run my hands through my hair.

I really wonder how many of these little things that I’ve picked up over the years that has me so set in my ways are things that came from my parents? I wonder what kind of habits I’ll be “accidentally” giving to K-Kitten over the years. I wonder what new habits I’ll pick up or if I’ll ever stop with any of the ones that I’ve got now.

Do you have any habits or weird things that you started one day in the past and keep on doing? Inquiring minds want to know. Mine.

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I’ve decided to participate in NaBloPoMo – where you blog every day for a month. This is going to be insane, but I’ve got to get out of the habit of writing and then deciding because I don’t have anything to say that’s not been posted five-thousand times (or so I feel) that I shouldn’t keep the conversation going. Hang on for the ride. This is gonna get crazy…