Mother Unexpected

Yup, we totally did Star Wars for Halloween.

Much like a soccer mom, but without the minivan and the mother-of-the year award. With all the concerns over all the not-so-nice-stuff that they say video games cause, people act like you’re a horrible mom for playing one of those violence inducing, fat-making, video things. Really, I just don’t get it. I wouldn’t take my kid with me to Mardi Gras and bar hop, but I just don’t see doing an independent activity from your child as all that harmful.

Father Unexpected and I have a large gaming background. We both played MMORPGs (like Everquest and World of Warcraft) heavily, and enjoyed PC gaming together for several of the early years of our relationship. At some points online interaction was the only means of communication as we were both working extensively (and he was able to utilize the internet while at his job) and it was more personal and immediate than e-mail. I had never heard of texting and cell phones were too expensive. FU didn’t even have one at the time.

When we first moved in together we bought a Playstation 2. I was a big fan of Kingdom Hearts at the time and played it through. FU played it some, but we never even bothered to buy a second controller to play together. We still had enough resources to play PC games together in the same house though. At one point when I was in college, I can remember playing Everquest for 8 to 12 hours a day, working my part-time job, going to class, then playing some more and sleeping here and there when I felt like it.

I’m sure a lot of people would say that I had an obsession, that it was unhealthy, maybe even call it an addiction. The fact of the matter is, I really liked the game. I was a poor, college student that would rather pay 15 dollars a month playing a video game than 10 dollars a day running the streets like my other peers at the time. I was younger, a little stupid, and had the time to kill. I got older, bills started costing more, gaming happened less. Eventually, I stopped playing because it cost too much and I just didn’t have the time to kill that I used to. Addicted? I think not.

I think it’s generally accepted in society that fathers will play video games. I think it’s viewed as a man’s “thing”, sitting on the couch playing video games while the wife cooks. Did you know that women gamers are trying to tip the scales? There are now more women playing pc/web based games than men. In my house, FU is more likely to be cooking dinner while I play the 360, I’m a horrible cook. But because I’m a mother, a working mother, that plays video games (that don’t exist on facebook) I’m more likely to be shamed and frowned at. I guess I’m supposed to be selflessly doing laundry, while playing patty-cake, while cooking, while vacuuming, and at the same time changing a diaper to be a “good mom”. Oh, how I hate the “good mom” card. The fact that I play video games alone is enough to be forever marked with the “bad mom” tag, let alone the fact that I play video games while K-Kitten is home and playing just fine by herself for a while.

Now, on the other side of this coin. I don’t play video games from the time I get home to the time I go to bed. We have much cooler things to do, like go outside and play tag while there’s not snow on the ground. Do I have better things to do besides play video games? Actually yes, I should be doing things like laundry and dishes, but really… I’m never going to be caught up on either of those things, I’ve faced the fact that I’m a horrible housewife and have come to terms with it. Father Unexpected may come to terms with it in the next 16 years or so. In light of this though, I actually had someone say that I shouldn’t be playing video games because my daughter “needs me” and they’d suck me into a black hole or something. Lady, there is no black hole, I know I tried to find it after entirely too much alcohol in college… and my daughter needs to not grow up like you. While she pretend cooks me a big meal, I’ll play my video game, then have imaginary cookies thanks.

Will K-Kitten be playing video games when she gets a little older? Hell yes! We will be playing together I’m sure. We’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

There is nothing wrong with a parent doing something that they liked to do before they were a parent. I’ve not neglected my daughter by not giving her my undivided attention for 30 minutes out of any given day. I get to bond with my husband over something we both enjoy. I get the satisfaction of doing something completely non-work (outside or inside the home) related for a little while.

And getting to dance around the living room, laughing, pointing, screaming “BOO YA! HEADSHOT!!” after sniping FU from across the map?

EPIC

We're not paying for that.

I’m about to lose my group health insurance through my employer. The rates are going up 35% for a $6,000 deductible HSA plan. The company cannot afford to pay it, and we have dropped below the minimum number of employees that have it to keep the group rate. I’ve been having to look into getting an individual plan for myself and K-Kitten. My employer is trying to work out a plan to give us additional pay or incentive to be able to afford individual insurance, since they would no longer be paying for our benefit or putting $2,000 a year into our HSA funds.

Individual insurance has so far been significantly cheaper. The group plan was costing about $370 (my portion and the company portion) per month with a $6,000 deductible. Really it did no good unless it was preventative or a very, very bad visit, but I had rather have it than not have it. In 2009 when I found out we were having K-Kitten it was very fortunate that I had it (deductible was only $4,000 then). It saved me from having to pay upwards of $16,000. I’m still paying the $4,000 off though.

For an individual plan I could get a plan that would allow me to continue to have an HSA and cut my deductible down to $3,000 for $310 dollars a month. But there’s one thing…

No maternity benefits. Period.

They’re making their money by selling you insurance they hope you’re not going to use. As a female, they expect that you will be having or wanting children and they don’t want to spend the money on that. They now specifically state that they will not cover any visits, tests, or anything relating to labor and delivery. As a matter of fact it gets it’s own statement on the quote. “Maternity Coverage: Not Covered”

A lot of the plans, including the one I mentioned above, maternity coverage can not even be added. The plans that do allow it to be added, are non HSA, require the highest deductible, are only at best 80/20 or 70/30 plans and raise the premium by almost $75 dollars a month.

Better yet, there’s a 12-month waiting period in my state. Meaning they would not have to cover any maternity related fees if the child was determined to be concieved (not delivered) before the 12-month waiting period is up.

Now, we weren’t planning on adding to our family just yet, but it’s something that has been on my mind. We don’t want to wait too long if we decide that we would like to expand. Seeing this just started to make me wonder, how could people that make too much money to qualify for state assistance, but not enough to pay $10,000 in medical bills, but they could otherwise afford to care for another child, ever have children.

I don’t like that the fact that my health insurance can choose to not provide coverage to pay for over-inflated medical costs like childbirth. The closest free standing birth center to me is over an hour away and even then several thousand dollars will be hard to swallow, but it would be manageable (provided no unforseen complications arose). Just because we are women does not mean we should be denied access to coverage.

I started doing research on independant supplemental maternity insurance, and while in 2009 I remember there being plenty of companies offering it, now they’re few and far between. Even those look shady and not really a company I would like to do business with.

Women already pay upwards of 20% more than men for health insurance, now we will have to pay even more to have children. Either we’ll be paying higher premiums (if we can get coverage added) or higher hospital bills. Sure, they’ll cover well-child visits as preventative, but they will not cover anything until you go home after childbirth.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Did you end up with mountains of medical bills? Did you have maternity coverage that didn’t exactly cover what you thought it would?

Father Unexpected mentioned to me Sunday night that he was “glad I let them put the fetal monitors on”. We were talking about K-Kittens birth (what I remember of it) since his brother and his wife are expecting a little one now. It broke my heart to hear that. I asked him why, because I was only in the hospital 3 hours before I gave birth and I know that they weren’t getting very good readings, because my nurses were scolding me every ten minutes saying that they couldn’t get a baseline.

FU just said that he could read it just fine, and I feel like he’s full of shit. Yeah, he’s in emergency medicine, but sorry sweetheart, you don’t read fetal monitors for a living. An EKG maybe (he’s not even really read those he’s only EMT-B) but not a fetal heart rate monitor. Then we got to talking about my dose of Staydol. He said well “I figured you were ready, you told me to go get your nurse. I asked if you were ready?”

I wasn’t ready for pain meds! So I don’t remember my baby crying and talked about boob on the videos of my baby’s first hours in this world, because my husband decided that a woman in transition needed pain meds. And my nurse didn’t ask me, she just gave them to me. I’m not sure how to get over this one. It’s been going on 11 months since my daughter’s birth and I’m sitting here crying over it again. Here I am thinking all over again I don’t ever want to have another baby. I. Do. Not. Want. That. Again.

Why do I have to live in a state that has no such thing as homebirth midwives? That has no such thing as women-centered… anythings? Why do I have to have a husband that thinks that me not wanting to have a fetal monitor is irresponsible and that I should do anything and everything any doctor and nurse says because our baby is more important than anything that has to do with me. Disclaimer: That’s very blown out of proportion, but that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.

Why do I have to compromise my feelings because of this?

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I’m hurt today. I’m sad, and I’m hurt. Really considering never having another child & I was just starting to warm up to the idea of another. There are going to be long talks in this household before another baby is on the way. When do the feelings of regret and anger go away!? I’m dying here.

The World Health Organization changed it’s official recommendation regarding minimum and maximum acceptable cesarean rates in 2009. Originally, they stated that between 5 – 15% were the optimal rates and above this could be dangerous. They now state that while very low and very high rates are both dangerous, they do not know what exact percentages would be. The image left is from Monitoring Emergency Obstetrical Care – A handbook where the WHO published this information.

This information is now coming to light in the media saying that the pressure is off to reduce the number of cesareans. The same article said,

It [The handbook] added that “what matters most is that all women who need Cesarean sections actually receive them.”

This was quoted, however, upon reading the handbook myself (and you can read it for yourself) this was never said. I could probably be inferred however. It does matter that women that actually need a cesarean get one, but unfortunately there are still many, many cesareans that are unnecessary.

Why is the method of delivery so important if the baby is healthy? Because of a 1000 different reasons! Including avoidance of excessive risk to mother and baby from major surgery, maternal mental health (depression), and mode of delivery risk to baby. In a study published yesterday, Delivery Method Influences Microbial Communities in Newborns, they talk about how different even the bacteria on a newborn can be influenced by the way they were delivered.

Babies delivered via Cesarean section harbor a different ecosystem of bacteria than babies born vaginally…

…That difference could be why C-section babies experience higher rates of allergies, asthma, and infections with methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA).

The point is, even with a resulting healthy baby, there is a difference between cesarean and vaginal birth.

In 2007 the United States cesarean rate was 31.8%. That’s about 1 out of 3 babies being born by cesarean! People assume that the rate has gotten so high over the years because more women are opting for elective cesareans or more are necessary. According to surveys conducted, the women that are electing for a cesarean without medical need are not the cause of such a high rate. And the rate isn’t just going up for older or obese women with prior health risk, the rate is rising steadily for all age ranges and groups.

Why is this happening? An excellent article over at childbirthconnection.org discusses 7 factors that are contributing to the overall higher rates.

1. Less emphasis on a womens own ability to give birth.
2. Common interventions that often lead to higher risk for cesarean.
3. Refusal of informed choice in certain circumstances (like ability to VBAC)
4. Casual approach to surgical procedures by society as a whole.
5. Malpractice and lawsuit fears.
6. Limited awareness of ALL the risks involved.
7. Practices that practice in a way that is efficient (profitable in time/money) for providers.

These aren’t a catch-all, but can you see how with a lot of this 32% is possible? My question is…

If we can’t say for sure 5 – 15% is “the range” for cesarean births, what is? When will we finally say that something has to give. I agree there is no set number of cesareans that are safe or unsafe, but we should have goals! There still needs to be pressure on practices to reduce the rate, we need to inform patients, we need to support women and their babies to the healthiest and happiest start possible.

We all know that a lot of cesarean births are necessary, but there are a lot that are just as unnecessary. Just because it’s modern, faster, more-convenient (for everyone else), does NOT make it better. It does not make it OK to just let the rate climb and climb. I’m happy that it’s available, I’m not happy that it’s the automatic answer and fix-all.

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Does it matter if the cesarean rate continues to climb? Did you have a cesarean? Did you feel that during your care you were fully informed of the risks and benefits associated with cesarean? Was it your choice?