Mother Unexpected

I looked for a doula when I was pregnant with K-Kitten. It was one of the first things I did actually. After a short search with no results, I just skipped it, assuming that it didn’t matter much anyway. Oh, how green was I?

Through K-Kitten’s birth, I did OK, with the exception of a few things. It was a quick birth, I didn’t curse too many people, and I had a wiggly love in my arms. It wasn’t until after we got home from the hospital and started getting bills that I really started to question how everything went.

There were things on the bill that just didn’t add up. After requesting an itemized statement for 6 months I finally got one in the mail (I was already in collections by then). Just some of the things on there that didn’t make sense:

• Oxygen tubing — I was never on oxygen. But they billed me for having it on-hand.
• MMR Booster — that I don’t remember getting. But it was “routine” for all mothers.
• Pain Pills — that I actively refused. But they were prescribed to me.

Unfortunately, apart from pulling my medical records, I talked with my insurance company and worked through the list — I’m still working on some of it, but we’re getting it taken care of.

Back on track, the bill made me realize how much of my hospital stay was not right. How I was being billed for things I’m 100% sure hadn’t happened. Then I realized I had no other family with me to back me up except my husband, and I can say that I’m sure he doesn’t remember how many times I got stuck with needles or what was in them.

I had no one with me to help explain what was happening, why they were doing something or needed to do something, or to advocate for me. Father Unexpected did his best to remember what I wanted and tell them that, but in the heat of the moment he reverted to his “medical experts know best” mentality and was basically just a hand to hold from that point forward.

I needed a doula. I wanted a doula. Next time, I’ll have a doula.

So, I started my search again. I found very few doulas in my area and only one relatively close by. I started asking around, a lot of women here have not even heard of a doula. So I start looking around on the requirements to become a certified doula. If anyone has information, I would love to have it, I keep getting more and more interested.

Then I read this:

It’s not news that the U.S. ends each calendar year with a new all-time high cesarean rate, but it may be news that Kentucky’s rate is even higher than the national average–7th in the nation for surgical birth.

7th in the NATION! I knew that my state stopped licensing midwives a long time ago, and that the only current credential they consider licensed is a Certified Nurse Midwife, I did not realize that these CNM’s are the only one’s that are capable of legally attending a home birth, but CNM’s are usually so closely employed by the medical community they only work within hospitals. Everyone else could potentially face a lawsuit for practicing without a license. There are only 24 states in the U.S. that license (or recognize licensed) midwives for home births and care. The law doesn’t care here where you give birth, but anyone attending in a professional capacity (apart from OBs and CNMs) would be there illegally.

I had not really considered home birth, but with the exception of giving birth without assistance, I will have to be ushered to a hospital to give birth there. Why would any hospital care about their policy if they know you pretty much have to go there? Especially in rural areas like the one I live, where each hospital could be hours apart and your choices are limited.

If you’re in Northern Kentucky, you’ve got a little more luck than I do. Louisville has The BirthCare Network, with valuable resources on doulas, midwives, and facilities.

I know there are women in Kentucky that have had homebirths, and have had doulas. I would love for you all to speak up. We need to know you’re out there. I want to find a doula, I want professional, educated, birth support for my next birth (whenever that may be)! But I have to be able to find you first! And maybe someone else is out there looking for you, just like me.

____________________________________________________________________________

Did you use a doula or a midwife? Have you had a homebirth? What are your state’s laws? Did you have any trouble finding a practicing doula or home birth midwife? Did they enrich or take away from your birth experience? Know something I don’t? Please tell me about it.

When I was still pregnant, Father Unexpected used to half-joke that if I wasn’t going to breastfeed he would have to tie me up to the bed and milk me like a cow. It was that important to him. I doubt he would have joked anything like that if I was not on board with breastfeeding. But since I was, it didn’t hurt to make some snide comments now and again, and the mental picture is quite hilarious to me.

I knew I wanted to breastfeed, I was always told it was best for babies. I figured I would breastfeed until she started solid foods around 4 months and we’d start weaning. I figured I would have my boobs back in a year or so, I didn’t know then that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended not only exclusive breastfeeding for six months, but the continuance of breastfeeding for at least a year and beyond if mutually desired. I had never even heard of the World Health Organization or the fact that they recommend 2 years instead of just one like the AAP. I had no idea that everything I had ever seen being done wasn’t even recommended by either of these organizations. I figured I would be done with breastfeeding long before a year was up.

Originally, my decision to breastfeed had little to do with all the health benefits and great things that come from it… quite frankly, I was just cheap. I did not want to spend all that money on formula. Breastfeeding continues to be free. The most I have spent, has been on things that I didn’t have to have, but they just made things easier or made me feel better.

I didn’t take any breastfeeding classes, I did read everything I could come up with on the internet though, I guess I’m a pretty private person. The idea of having to sit in a class with a group of x number of couples/women (that I probably wouldn’t like much) did not sit right with me. I learned everything I know about latching and common problems from things I read on the internet. And let me tell you, I’m 100% positive that I was MORE informed than the nurses at the hospital I birthed at.

Kellymom.com I would have to say was my #1 resource the entire time I’ve been on this breastfeeding journey. The information I’ve found there (and the resources compiled there) have empowered me to stick to my guns about my decisions for my daughter and breastfeeding.

I didn’t think I would catch as much crap as I have for breastfeeding. I had always assumed that it was much more accepted than it really is. People are mean. People are ill-educated. My own mother-in-law has said some of the most mean and hurtful things to me. Something turned on inside of me, suddenly it wasn’t just about the money or giving it a try, it was about me, about my daughter, and about what was best for BOTH of us.

After seeing how hard it was, not the actual act of breastfeeding, but overcoming this outdated system we live with. I changed my whole perspective on life. Doctors are not to be taken without a grain of salt, we as patients have to remember we’re paying them for advice about how to take care of our own health. They do not have all the answers and as a matter of fact, try going to one or two about the same thing and I bet you’ll get a couple different answers.

I’ve switched pediatricians three times since K-Kitten was born. The first was convinced that I was going to do something to hurt my daughter because I was so adamant about no supplements and not giving cereal at 4 months (he’d freak if he knew that now 8 months into life she’s never had cereal). The next decided that because she was breastfed that she had to have iron supplements or she “would have developmental problems”. Finally, I’ve found a pediatrician, that may not agree with me, but doesn’t force her opinion she backs everything she has to say up and expects a fight from me. She is truly a “health advocate” and I expect nothing less.

Breastfeeding changed who I am, and how I look at myself.

I no longer go with the flow, accepting everything at face value. I stopped making decisions based on general opinion instead of fact. I stopped being a doormat.

And I am not alone.

I am a stronger, happier, more educated, and much more passionate woman.

Because of breastfeeding. Oh yeah, and breastfeeding keeps me sane. Seriously.

_______________________________________________________________________________

How did breastfeeding impact your life? Did you have any particularly hard situations? Why did you want to breastfeed? Did you change your mind later? How long did you breastfeed? Did you take any classes? Was breastfeeding what you thought it would be?

“Breast is Best” has been the unofficial slogan for breastfeeding for as long as I can remember. I never really thought much of it, other than the fact that it has always stuck out in my mind. The Breastfeeding Network is wanting to change that. Lesley Backhouse, chair of TBN, wrote to the Department of Health in the UK asking that the use of the slogan be discontinued. Her argument was that we needed to quit treating breastfeeding as something special instead of something normal.

I expected when I read the article to hear about how the campaigners were calling it unfair or something along those lines. It threw me for a loop when I read on to discover that those that were calling to stop using the slogan were breastfeeding advocates. I understand that breastfeeding is normal and that they want to stop a push that may make it seem like only a select few are doing it, or that we’re part of a groovy ty-squad special club. The problem is, what will people say now?

Should we tout “Formula is an avoidable health risk.”? I don’t think that would go over so well, but apparently others think that that’s the type of slogan that should be out there. Lesley also stated:

“What we should be saying – and are intent on getting across – is that formula feeding is an avoidable health risk to babies.”

Unfortunately, the Department of Health‘s slogan isn’t even “Breast is Best”. As a matter of fact, all I can find on their website (which may have been changed between news reports and now) is “Breastfeeding — What could be more natural?”. Regardless of how you say it, the idea is to get the word out that breast milk is an exceptional food for babies and they thrive very well on it. I mean, breast milk isn’t just milk from breasts in this case, it’s human milk for human babies.

No matter what slogan you use or support, someone is going to feel that it’s a “guilt trip” on those that can’t/won’t/don’t breastfeed. Unfortunately, that’s the nature of the beast. There are too many opinions and misinformation in the world to be so cut and dry about it. Breastfeeding is the best scenario for a baby, but it’s not always possible.

We need to get the word out, that breastfeeding is doable in almost all cases (there are some genuine medical reasons that it can not be done or should be stopped) and that a majority of women stop because of bad information from someone they trust with good intentions. In every situation, we should not be playing the guilt card, but it should be a chance to inform women that their bodies are amazing and although it’s can be a tedious road to success, breastfeeding should be given a valiant effort.

In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need a slogan for breastfeeding, everyone would know that breastfeeding has so many benefits that are lacking in formula feeding. Sadly, there are still those out there that don’t even know where to start, or have that bad information. If we have to have a slogan just to start a conversation about breastfeeding I think “Breast is Best” is a fine choice. It’s short, sweet and to the point. It can sound condescending in the wrong context, but it’s a lot nicer than “Formula is an avoidable health risk” and I find you catch more flies with honey.

Our goal as breastfeeding advocates shouldn’t be to guilt or force breastfeeding. It should be to empower women to believe in their bodies, help them overcome their fears and obstacles, and support them in the decisions they make for themselves and their families regardless of what they may be.

An unofficial slogan is just that. Unofficial.

Instead of fighting to stop using a slogan that will probably be used anyway is a waste of time. We should be fighting for better maternity leaves, trained lactation professional care for new mothers, financial assistance for pumps and equipment, making milk bank milk more affordable/accessible for those that medically can not breastfeed, and most importantly helping mothers make the most informed decision they can regarding their families.

We can’t magically change everyone’s minds, but we can help them make up their own with the right information and support. Changing a slogan is not going to change society.

Breastfeeding is normal. Breastfeeding is better than formula in a lot of different ways. Was this always the way of thinking? NO. Has it always been true? YES. Should a slogan be the sole encouragement to breastfeed? NO.

A few words just aren’t enough. But a few words can get the ball rolling.

______________________________________________________________________

Will changing the slogan change the way you feel about breastfeeding? Do you think it will change the minds of society? Does it make breastfeeding seem like something that only the “elite” can accomplish? What do you think would be a better slogan?

Ever since I had a baby, the most popular question I get asked when talking about her has been “Does she sleep through the night?” Most people seem almost disgusted when I tell them that she doesn’t, as if because of her sleep patterns I’m not doing something right. Or they have a thousand tricks to get her to sleep through the night, like it’s something that has to be done for her to be considered a “good” baby. I’ve heard all kinds of off the wall comments about K-Kitten’s sleep patterns.

• Put cereal in her bottle. She’ll sleep longer, because her tummy will stay fuller longer.
• Don’t let her naps go to long during the day. Wake her up so she’ll be more tired at night.
• If you put her to bed and she cries, don’t pick her up, she’ll learn to put herself to sleep.
• She doesn’t need to eat at night, she’s only doing it out of habit.

I will admit that some of those suggestions may work, some may not, and all are simply opinion, even researchers can’t agree.

I will never feed my baby cereal in a bottle, I’ve yet to feed her baby cereal, and she certainly wouldn’t get it in a bottle. There are too many dangers associated with cereal in bottles. Cereal is an empty calorie and apart from being an aspiration hazard in a bottle, it could lead to a child that over eats regularly. It can throw a babies full/empty tummy meter completely out of whack. Leading to…. you guessed it! Increased risk of Obesity.

Napping too much through the day could logically cause a baby to sleep less at night. I don’t have a problem with waking up my napping babe if we have to go somewhere or if it’s apparent she’s pooped all over herself (she’s notorious for not caring a lick about how dirty her diaper is). However, waking her up early from her naps usually leads to an extra nap before bedtime and actually causes her to stay up later than she would because of that extra nap. So, that still doesn’t affect the amount of time she sleeps at night for me.

Crying it out, or the Ferber method, has been fought for on both sides of the fence more times than I care to think about. There are a number of reasons for us and many others that cry-it-out is just not the solution. I’m sure there are those that would argue that there’s nothing detrimental with the cry-it-out method, but I just can’t listen to my little girl cry for us for any reason and ignore her on purpose. Everyone comments on how she’s such a happy baby, and I think our prompt response to her needs when it’s warranted is a contributing factor. I don’t rush to her rescue when it’s apparent she doesn’t need immediate attention (yeah, I know what she’s wanting when she cries), I do however console and remedy the issue before she gives up hope.

I see the Ferber method as “breaking” a child. Convincing them that they have no choice but to stay there and either amuse themselves or go to sleep because no one is coming. I think it backfires on parents as well. A parent that listens to their child cry and forces themselves to ignore it have a tendency to block out the cry in varying degrees all throughout the day and night.

In the case of eating at night, my little K-Kitten does need to eat at night. How do I know? Because she asks to eat. Other than her cues, she reverse cycled when I went back to working full time. On average a baby over 12lbs would eat 19 – 32 oz (estimates and a big variable), K-Kitten averages 8 – 15 oz while I’m gone to work. She nurses when I get home, once at bedtime, and once about 12am and then again at 6am. So she wakes up once at night to nurse. I’m OK with that, so it shouldn’t be an issue right? Unfortunately, everyone doesn’t see it that way. But I really don’t care about them.

So what’s a momma to do?! There are lots of more gentle way’s to get a baby to sleep, to stay asleep, and to put yourself in a better frame of mind to deal with night-waking. Some of those ways include:

• Create a routine. Babies thrive on routine, and are more likely to go to sleep when they “know” it’s bedtime.
• Fresh air and exercise. Maybe not for the fresh air, but being in a house all day is boring. Engage their minds.
• Consistent napping, one missed nap could lead to a lot of trouble. Cranky babies are a lot less likely to go to sleep without a fight.

Most of all, there’s no right and wrong way to do things as a parent. What I do for my children could be exactly what you would never do. If everything was one-size-fits all, then there wouldn’t be so many different ways to do things. Just don’t do something because someone else thinks that’s how the world needs to be. Be informed, make up your own mind. Please though, get the information, and remember that just because what I do wouldn’t be what you would do, it doesn’t make me a failure/bad parent/monster.

My baby doesn’t sleep through the night, and I’m not gonna make her.

_____________________________________________________________

Has someone looked at you like you were a bad parent because of a milestone like sleeping through the night? Does your baby sleep through the night? Did you use cry-it-out with success? Does night-waking bother you?